By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing
Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make
when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings
Tactical Empathy. This is listening as a martial art
Reveal surprises
We are easily distracted. We engage in selective listening, hearing only what we want to hear, our minds acting on a cognitive bias for consistency rather than truth
Most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by the arguments that support their position that they are unable to listen attentively
sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say
disarm your counterpart. You’ll make them feel safe. The voice in their head will begin to quiet down
goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk
making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin
too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard and we risk undermining the rapport and trust we’ve built.
Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible
Discovery emotions (to later label them) by watching and listening, keeping your eyes peeled and your ears open, and your mouth shut
empathy is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalization of that recognition.”
As they talk, imagine that you are that person
A wealth of information from the other person’s words, tone, and body language. We call that trinity “words, music, and dance.”
by acknowledging the other person’s situation, you immediately convey that you are listening
Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.” The power of NO
Carl Rogers, who proposed that real change can only come when a therapist accepts the client as he or she is
Minimal Encouragers: Besides silence, we instructed using simple phrases, such as “Yes,” “OK,” “Uh-huh,” or “I see,”
discovered that liars tend to speak in more complex sentences in an attempt to win over their suspicious counterparts
use of pronouns by a counterpart can also help give you a feel for their actual importance in the decision and implementation chains
One can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great person, by both listening and speaking clearly and empathetically; by treating counterparts—and oneself—with dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can—and cannot—do
